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Red Carpet Rundown: 2011 Oscar Parties, Part II

Posted on March 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

Having reamed you in with some shameless titillation via the black lace brigade at the Oscars 2011 Parties, here’s some more outfits, from the bizarre to the beautiful with just about everything in-between. Since I’m still feeling grubby from seeing Madonna’s butt cheeks, do you mind if we start with the beautiful?

Anne Hathaway in Versace – So the pattern is a cross between a Celtic knot and the etchings on Xena The Warrior Princess’ breastplates but I still love it. The darker shade of red is gorgeous, it flows beautifully and it’s not a typical Anne Hathaway princess dress. Although she did deserve one for propping up a stoned James Franco for four hours.

Juliette Lewis in Georges Hobeika Couture – Calling Juliette Lewis… you know, ker-azy Juliette Lewis who shows up at events with Native American head-dresses, dodgy home dye jobs and does a ‘rock on’ gesture whilst sticking her tongue out for photos? I’m not sure that that Juliette Lewis would recognise this dignified creature but hey, sophistication suits her well. Ever since Kate Middleton wore that royal blue Issa engagement dress, I’ve been all over this shade like the royal couple over commemorative tableware. It’s a simple timeless shape that flatters and let’s the colour do the work. Which it does. Gorgeous.

Charlize Theron in Atelier Versace – There are times when Charlize Theron’s aura of perfection grates and there are times when all you can do is sigh pathetically and let her get on with being too perfect for the likes of us mere mortals. Had she attended the Oscars themselves, she would have been easily amongst the best dressed with this effortlessly gorgeous gown. It’s clean enough to be classically beautiful but with just the right amount of embellishment to stop it being boring and actually improve on simplicity. Flawless hair, flawless make-up… what else is there to say? She could probably wear this inside out and still look just as good (Arrested Development reference ahoy!).

Anna Paquin in Monique Lhullier – Initially, I thought this dress was boring and wasn’t going to write about it. Since then, I’ve decided I love it, want it and won’t rest until I’ve claimed a cheap high street knock-off of it. I love the romantic ruffles of the flamenco-esque skirt, I love the criss-cross and thus super-flattering bodice with its wide shoulder straps and I love Anna’s mini-quiff. It’s not quite as daring as her outfits last awards season but it’s subtly crept up and become one of my favourite looks from the event. Sneaky work, Sooki.

Naomi Watts in Zac Posen – Heading now for the bizarre, thanks to this dress, which makes Naomi look like she has a vagina somewhere around her midriff. This has distracted both us and her from the fact that a Muppet has attached itself to her backside. I normally love Naomi’s classy style but this is odd.

Anika Noni Rose – What was this, ‘Bring Your Muppet To Work Day’? Another bizarre ensemble, and I’m not sure whether I’m more fascinated by the Fraggle Rock puppet clinging to her side or the strange distortion in the dress that makes it look like Anika has a strangely high, material-sucking belly button. Is that better or worse than a strangely high vagina? I’ll leave you to decide.

Bryce Dallas Howard – Whenever I see this dress I want to sing. Songs like I Can Hear The Bells from Hairspray. Or ‘I’m getting married in the morning… DING DONG! The bells are going to chime!’ (from My Fair Lady and yes, I watch too many musicals). Or even ‘Oranges and lemons, say the bells of St Clements’. Are you getting the common theme yet? In short, it’s not singing through happiness but because Bryce looks like a giant blue bell. And that warrants not a Leslie Phillips ‘ding doooong’ but a sad trombone instead.

Rashida Jones in Valentino – ‘Oh Mr Rochester, I’m sorry to awaken you from your slumber but your batshit crazy wife has just set fire to my bedroom, thus my greeting you in my nightgown.’

Elizabeth Banks in Versace – Elizabeth Banks normally belongs to my holy parallelogram of red carpet bores (alongside Kate Bosworth, Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel) but this dress is just shimmery cuteness in a peroxide blonde bottle. The mesh overlay, creating long sleeves and more restrained neckline, keeps things a little more modern and edgy on what is essentially a bog-standard school disco spangly mini (admittedly one covered in Swarovski crystals).

Rosario Dawson in Diane Von Furstenberg – If you ever wondered what Donna Summer wears to slouch around the house, here’s Rosario Dawson with what everyone hopes is the answer – a disco bathrobe. And despite the fact that it’s electric blue, glitters and seems to be two very different lengths either side, Dawson still reduces it to meh. Let’s make that a holy pentagon of boring, shall we?

Jessica Biel in Atelier Versace – Another member from the clan of yawn makes an appearance, although I actually quite like this dress. I love the intricate criss-crossing of the shoulder straps and the geometric art-deco feel of the pattern itself, but there must be some irony to the fact that an actress who personifies beige looks her best in a dress that’s various shades of the colour?

Claire Danes in Calvin Klein – These are clearly monastic robes for a community who make their own tofu, knock out the lotus position before they can crawl and hand-rear goats whose wool they can then use for scratchy knitwear. Claire would have protested against wearing it but they all take vows of silences too. So she’ll just have to put up with looking like a sanctimonious cult member instead.

Red Carpet Rundown: Screen Actors Guild Awards 2011, Part III

Posted on February 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

The Hmmms

My final red carpet rundown of looks from 2011’s SAG Awards that I liked… sort of… maybe…

Mila Kunis in Alexander McQueen – This is topping lots of people’s best-of lists and I get why, but it’s just a bit too hippy-chick earth-mother for me. I’m absolutely overjoyed that since discovering colour existed at the Golden Globes, Mila is sticking with brights and this shade of scarlet looks stunning with her colouring. There’s *yet more* L’Oreal worthy hair on show and the addition of the belt was a clever touch, as it gives a little shape to the sheer flowiness. But it’s just not my kind of dress. Imagine if she’d worn a slightly-shorter version of Tina Fey’s dress instead – I don’t think mankind’s hormones would ever recover.

Claire Danes in Louis Vuitton – From good belt to bad belt, this black one just feels too heavy and ugly for this dainty and delicate floral gown. And given that there’s a black thing dangling down that doesn’t appear to be part of the belt anyway, was the extra belt even necessary in the first place? However, in a red carpet swarming with simplicity (less kind people would say mediocrity), this ultra-pretty print stands out, especially given that Danes is usually one to head down the minimalist route. It might have a slight 70s curtain/tablecloth feel, but those appliquéd flowers at the bust are a really beautiful touch.

Helena Bonham Carter in Marc Jacobs – Believe it or not, HBC was actually on my list of ‘Yays’ at one point. That was before I saw that she’d showed up in those blasted sunglasses again – does she have some sort of eye condition (in which case, I am a truly horrible person)? Luckily, the photographers managed to coax her out the shades for most photos, yet this was the only shot I could find that shows off her super-cute ‘Pearls Of Wisdom’ clutch (matching the pearl necklace, wouldn’t you know). Having got angry at Helena’s contrived eccentricity with the mismatched shoes at the Golden Globes, this look shows effort being directed into the right places nicely. I absolutely love the lacy dress – it’s got a slight 50s ladies-who-lunch vibe to it and would look incredible with kid gloves – but the sheer shoulder straps almost ruin it for me (wish they’d been made out the bodice material instead). A lighter lipstick colour wouldn’t have gone amiss either but given this is Helena Bonham-Carter we’re talking about, I’d be amazed if there was any understated anything in her make-up box.

Amy Adams in Herve L. Leroux – You last heard me wishing for Amy Adams to recover her style mojo and step away from the jewel tones. I kind of got my wish, as here she is in blinding white, which was enough to make me give her a win without much thought. But then on closer inspection, I decided I didn’t actually like the dress too much (mummy’s bandages, anyone?!) and that maybe white wasn’t a great colour for her anyway. Perhaps if she’d let her awesome red hair down rather than sporting this severe pony, that would have broken the milkiness up – and scored her a potential L’Oreal commercial too.

Dianna Agron in vintage Chanel – True to form, as soon as I’ve hailed Dianna my latest red carpet one-to-watch, she goes and messes it up. Admittedly, this isn’t a balls-up of Marion Cotillard’s squashed boobs and poodle perm level because the dress is actually beautiful and typical Dianna. Feminine, classic, exquisitely pretty and working the underrated combination of navy and black; again, it’s got that whole 50s tea-dress thing going on and I’m experiencing those kid gloves urges again. The problem is the heavy smoky eye make-up (the same amateur who sooted-up Jennifer Lawrence?!), which doesn’t suit Dianna’s look at all. Shame.

Naya Rivera in Aurelio Costarella – Well, it was nice of Naya to attempt to put the girls away, but you can see they’re still squishing their way to a bid for freedom. This dress is understatedly lovely in a retro vintage way yet its clingy nature makes her look a little too slender for my liking… and most probably for her boobs’ liking too, as they desperately wonder how they’re being kept up by that tiny a ribcage. I like that she keeps switching up her style and doesn’t always give us the typical va-va-voom Latino look (more of them later), I LOVE that her lipstick complements her nail varnish, I’m not so keen on the lifeless limp hair. No L’Oreal commercial for you!

Sofia Vergara in Roberto Cavalli – I don’t like Sofia Vergara’s red carpet style at all. For me, she falls into every stereotype of a ‘Latino lovely’, always squeezing into va-va-voom dresses that hoist her boobs up somewhere near her hairline. I find her just that teensy bit vulgar – I know, grab Grandma over here the smelling salts – and just so Eva Longoria five years ago. Her and Cavalli are practically made for one another. She’s included because this might just be my favourite ever look from her, primarily because of that amazing electric cobalt blue colour and absolutely nothing to do with her boobs staring me cold in the eye. It’s essentially a slutty version of Kate Middleton’s Issa engagement dress and that dress was so lovely that even the slutty version ain’t half bad.

Eva Longoria in Georges Hobeika – Speak of the devil and she shall appear… This colour is absolutely dreamy (and since greys are going to be the spring trend for nails, why not dresses too?!) and I like Eva’s complimentary soft eye make-up (thank God the Agron/Lawrence make-up artist didn’t get to her). I actually even like the shapes that this dress makes but it’s essentially slutty on a classier scale – imagine the side-boob on that! I feel that Eva’s very overt style of glamour is losing relevance on the red carpet at the moment and will be interested to see how she evolves, especially once Desperate Housewives is over, but this could be a step in the right direction from the OTT ballgowns and big trains she usually favours. Sofia, say hi to yourself in five years… if you’re lucky enough to still be famous that is

Rosario Dawson in J. Mendel – Rosario misses the best-dressed list purely on being so meh in general. What films has she actually been great and really memorable in? *Racks brain* However, this pale lemon colour is just divine on her skin-tone though the shape is a little boring… but those turquoise earrings! Well, let’s just say, if I could have put them on their own on the ‘Yays’ list, they’d be there by now.