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Red Carpet Rundown: I ♥ Kate Middleton/Duchess of Cambridge/Princess Kate

Posted on July 21, 2011 | 8 comments

There was a time when I didn’t even like Kate Middleton much. I even preferred Prince Harry’s spunkier beau, Chelsea Davy, because she actually seemed to be doing something with her life, as opposed to just hanging around with immaculate hair waiting for her boyfriend to pop the question.

How times have changed.

Now I can’t get enough of Princess Kate. Thankfully, the media can’t either, so I have been happily gorging on photos of her daily thanks to Wills & Kate’s Great North American Adventure. And now I don’t just want her hair… I want her wardrobe too!

Kate’s style has been criticised as ‘boring’, but I can’t remember the last time I didn’t think she looked lovely. Isn’t it refreshing to see a young woman in the public eye who isn’t slavishly following every trend going or trying to reveal as much boob as possible? Kate’s style is elegant, refined and obviously, totally her own. No stylist required.

Obviously, being a royal means there’s some element of conservatism to her look – yes, wah wah wah, she has to wear skin-coloured tights but frankly, she wears them so well that I’m considering buying some! Yet she still looks young and fresh, un-stuffy and gorgeous – and I suppose being in love with the future King of England helps too.

My favourite looks from the North American tour are numerous… so this post is as much for my personal squee-ing viewing pleasure as for yours.

I knew it was going to be a good few weeks when Kate’s first look was this navy lace shift dress from Erdem. Subconsciously, I’d been longing for Kate to wear Erdem since… well, forever. Erdem does lacy florals in a way that is so far away from grannie’s doilies and cushion covers that you’ll forget chintz even existed; instead, they’re contemporary, chic and oh-so-breathtakingly pretty dresses every time. I LOVE this dress. I want it. You’ll hear this phrase a lot this post.

The marriage made in heaven (and I’m talking Kate & Erdem, not Kate & Wills!) continued with this second Erdem dress. This time it’s a more vibrant shade of royal blue, a colour we’ve seen Kate wear a lot recently, obviously purely coincidentally setting off that engagement ring. Again, I love it. I want it less than the navy one though. The navy was just SO effortlessly classy yet still a little bit sexy. This is beautiful though. See what I mean? Modern yet conservative and still young and fresh. Delightful.

Another designer that Kate should wear more of is Jenny Packham. Packham is actually British-born, yet has so far received more attention from young American starlet types who are drawn magpie-esque to her sparkly feminine designs (see Emma Roberts, Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus, Jayma Mays and Sandra Bullock). This is also an excuse for me to shoehorn in my second-favourite Princess Kate look of all time (second to THE wedding dress, obvs) courtesy of Ms Packham from the ARK Gala – delicate blush colour, shimmering silver sequins, a floating romantic princess dream topped off with ribbons on her shoes. She looked stunning in every single photo, from every single angle – the power of a totally magical dress.

But back to the dresses from the tour. They’re just such a perfect fit for Kate. Delightful, charming and pretty, simple yet with an easy sophistication. She got a bit windswept in the primrose yellow frock so I’m hoping this will get another Reiss engagement dress re-run because it’s utterly gorgeous. Easy and breezy without a Covergirl advert in sight. It’s a shame Kate tends towards nudes and neutrals as colours like this really light her up. She looks years younger. Adorable.

Similarly, she should totally wear more prints. She can carry them off – and so easily too! Ideally, she needs to amalgamate these two looks and do *quelle horreur* a bright print! Baby steps, I know… This is yet another effortlessly gorgeous outfit and the print, in an array of pale neutral hues, is just beautiful, light and chic. I love the way those butterfly-like sleeves fall too. It’s the little details!

Onto the Alexander McQueens, forever destined to be overshadowed by THE wedding dress. Part of her duty as a royal is to champion British fashion so well done Kate for finding McQueen pieces that work with her sensibilities – and not only work, but weeerk (you know, said with a Tyra hip thrust or Mr Jay finger wag). This vaguely nautical-themed cream cable-knit dress is just that little bit quirkier than Kate’s usual choices; it was worn for her visit to the place where Anne Of Green Gables was set and she just looks… delightful. What’s the word count for that adjective already? Classic but cute. Hair up looks good too, huh?!

The biggie of the tour was this full-length lavender ball-gown with a crystallised waistband worn for the Baftas Brits To Watch event. If this isn’t a princess dress, I’m not sure what is. It looks like it was designed by Disney artists for that final romantic waltz in the clouds accompanied by the Disney choir reaching crescendo. The sparkly waist reminds me of the after-wedding McQueen gown, whilst accessories are strictly from the school of sparkly princess stuff too. It’s so soft and silky and swooning. On a night when Hollywood’s A-List were out strutting their stuff (and, in celeb anecdote gold, J.Lo was apparently shoving Mary Louise Parker out the way), Princess Kate wafted down the red carpet like she’s been doing it for years. Beautiful.

So these dresses are the proof why Kate should give colour a few more spins. Look how much brighter and vibrant and youthful she looks in these bold eye-popping shades. The purple Issa and green Diane Von Furstenberg are both very simple shapes that let the colour do all the talking – but it’s one hell of a conversation! Issa’s speciality is flattering shapes in vivid colours (remember the engagement announcement dress?) and this is no exception. I just wish I could make unforgiving jersey look this easy! Meanwhile, it’s always been one of my aims in life to buy myself a DVF – the designer has a reputation for making flattering, quality clothing for women of any age in all kinds of lively prints and colours. This is just selling the brand to me even more.

One of my other favourites from the tour was rather understated and underrated. I’ve loved Roksanda Ilincic’s designs for a long time now – there’s just something about the way she drapes her fabrics that’s artful, interesting, tactile and feminine; structured but unstructured, if that makes sense. She isn’t afraid of a bright colour either and most of her pieces have an effortless grace to them, yet are still very modern. In short, Kate should be wearing this British designer much more! And also in short, I obviously want this lavender pale blue grey Peridot dress for my own. See that twist at the neckline? The way the material folds so beautifully around the figure? The way it just feels feather-light and delicate and dreamy yet could see you through practically any occasion? LOVE.

I have to mention the Reiss Nanette dress re-run too. It’s always endearing to see celebs wear outfits again – Camilla recently trotted out her entire wedding guest garb! – and it feels a very British thing too. It’s such a high-profile dress to recycle (worn for one of the official engagement photos) yet shows how much new life can be breathed into an outfit through stylish accessorising… and of course there’s the whole Canadian flag, red-and-white theme going on. The Lock & Co red maple leaf fascinator is charmingly quirky, the Lulu Guinness fan clutch is AMAZING and I want one, the maple leaf brooch borrowed from Her Majesty herself is a lovely touch and the ruby heels tie everything together. And the dress is still the very gorgeous clean crisp and modern thing it always was.

Finally, the Catherine Walkers, my least favourite of the favourites. For me, these are a little too mature for Kate yet still have some exquisite features about them. The dress-coat feels a little old-fashioned for Kate (I think it’s that heavy collar) but the shape of that full skirt is rather wonderful and I’m getting a cute Mary Poppins vibe off the whole outfit. Kate’s colouring actually suits red very well and I’d love to see her wear it more often.

The grey pencil dress is a little too formal – it feels too much like work-wear and consequently feels a little uptight. But the collar is very cute on Kate and from the back – well, it’s a whole much nicer, more interesting, more modern dress.

For those that can’t be bothered to traipse through 1500-odd words of fawning, here’s the short version: Princess Kate, I love you, can I have your clothes now please?

Awwwww…

Photos: Daily Mail, Just Jared, Go Fug Yourself, My Hollywood Life

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Red Carpet Rundown: Met Gala 2011, The Best of the Rest

Posted on May 8, 2011 | 2 comments

Oh my God, you guys! We made it! You made it! I made it! My final post on the Met Gala 2011. I thought the day would never come! All the rest of my posts were themed, but this is basically my brain throwing its arms up and saying ‘Enough!’

Emma Roberts in Michael Kors – Wow. For me, this is the best Emma Roberts has ever looked on the red carpet. Normally, her style is quite young and fresh but here she just oozes class, sophistication and maturity. I love the sneaky cut-out exposing just the tiniest ray of flesh – so sexy but still elegant. The hair is Kate Middleton perfect and the contrast vamp of the red nails is just the frosting on top of the cupcake.

Kristen Bell and Isla Fisher in Tory Burch – Two of my favourite girls in two of the most boring dresses. They don’t do anything much wrong but they don’t do anything much right either. That puff of smoke is me forgetting about them already.

Ginnifer Goodwin in Topshop – Some folk are up in arms that Ginnifer dared to wear Topshop to the Met. Did these people stop and actually look at the dress?! Honestly, if they weren’t told, I doubt they’d guess this wasn’t couture; it more than holds it own against the other gowns, if not bettering most of them. An amazing striking emerald green, a fantastic cut and all being sold with utter conviction by Ginnifer, who makes it look couture-worthy. I get a real Studio 54 vibe from this dress, the kind of thing Jerry Hall might have seduced Mick Jagger with on a yacht party. Arguably the matching necklace and eye make-up are slight overkill and I’m not sure what’s going on with the orthopaedic sandal, but the dress itself is a winner. [Meanwhile, the one no-one cares about from Gossip Girl also wore Topshop and instead looked like she took a wrong turn on her way to Gatecrasher.]

Evan Rachel Wood in Gucci Premiere – The gown is gorgeous. A wonderful, rarely-seen smoky aubergine colour, with a smattering of tasteful sparkle and a truly beautiful unusual neckline. But what’s with the Tin Tin quiff? There’s something about Wood that I just can’t get fully on board with; I find her persona quite contrived and vaguely smug, unlike say Dita Von Teese or Gwen Stefani who often do the 1950s screen siren too and feel like they’re living it rather than just playing a part. Sad to say Evan herself is the only thing stopping me from fully loving this look.

Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley in Burberry – It’s pink. It’s shiny. It’s tacky. But it’s Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley. And so it just became fabulous.

Dianna Agron in Michael Kors – On Through The Looking Glass, you’ve seen me fall in love with Dianna’s exquisite elegant Waspy style… and then rapidly fall out of love with it but a few weeks later. Well, I’m back on board with this baby! It’s a departure from her usual tea-dress and princess-hair combinations but this sort of chic simplicity suits her. A striking colour, an unusual neckline, an outfit-elevating gold cuff (less Wonder Woman, more Greek goddess) and whoever made the decision to pull that hair back into a sleek ponytail absolutely deserves an extra chocolate digestive with their cuppa tonight.

Lea Michele in Escada – Lea usually brings the drama to match her diva reputation but this gown is doing nothing for me… or her. The neckline is odd to the point of looking a little evil and stabby, the shape is too standard in a night of show-stealing gowns and even she looks rather unconvinced by it all. Fabulous clutch though.

Frieda Pinto in Chanel – I’ve not liked a single Chanel look this Met Gala (Kirsten Dunst, Blake Lively, Anna Wintour), although Frieda is just about radiant enough to make this look not as spectacularly stupid an idea as a skinny tie over a slinky gown should be. That neckline is unusual and beautiful enough to not need the tie frippery but now all I can think about when I see it is Avril Lavigne. And me thinking about Avril Lavigne is not conductive to me having any positive emotions whatsoever. Everything else about the look – the hair, the red lips, the fluidity of the fabric – is fantastic yet the tie?! Even a badly-dressed Apprentice candidate would shudder.

Michelle Williams in Miu Miu – The last time we saw Michelle Williams, she was wearing a shower curtain and not wearing a bra so just about anything would be an improvement on that. As it is, I think this is gown is actually rather wonderful. The gold swallow embroidery is done just the right amount without starting to look like a scene from The Birds and works to enhance rather than smother what is essentially an immaculately-cut black gown. Still hate the frumpy and middle-aged hair but I’ll take the dress to go, thanks!

Kristen Stewart in Proenza Schouler – I defended Kristen through the dark days where she’d scuttle down the red carpet like she was Viola from The Incredibles and now look… she’s smiling, no longer a hunchback and what’s this, maybe even a hint of red carpet posing too?! I’m so proud! I always prefer Kristen’s edgier ensembles to when she tries (and generally fails) to play it safe so this Proenza Schouler is a very good choice for her, with red and black always looking great against her colouring. Overall, I think it’s a really clean, modern, funky look (and I’ve obviously got an obsession with cuffs creeping in as I love them here too) – and for that reason, I wish it stopped somewhere nearer the knee area. But I’m more excited about seeing Kristen pull S-bends, smizing and giving fierce eyes in the near future. Too soon??

Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott – I love this dress on Amy; she looks about five thousand feet tall in this photo! I’ve not always been a fan of L’Wren Scott’s designs, as I feel the demure lengths and cuts tend to age some wearers, but this is great. The colour might be pretty delicate blush but the print is something a little more savage – it reminds me of the wild garden of thorns that Prince Philip had to hack his way through to awaken Sleeping Beauty with true love’s kiss. Connection to my (joint) favourite Disney movie of all-time? Check. Worn by a real-life Disney princess? Check again. All this, plus a disarmingly lovely milkmaid braid? How could I not love it?!

Isabel Lucas in Louis Vuitton – I like the dress, it’s a zingy watermelon colour that pops against the rest of proceedings, the pleating is pretty and those little gold bow-shaped studs are super-cute. But no-one’s looking at the dress. They’re looking at the bizarre virgin sacrifice adornment perched on top of Isabel’s head. Never has Coco Chanel’s advice about looking in the mirror and taking one piece off seemed more apt. And no, Isabel, before you start trying to put down that gorgeous gold ingot of a bag – it’s the headdress that needs to go! But practically the only thing I remember Isabel for – and it certainly ain’t her films – is always having one piece of utter insanity about her look, be it a sweatband, a strange hat, floral harem pants, odd coloured tights, eyebrows the wrong colour and, most memorably, a parasol. Charming or infuriating, it is her USP and let’s face it, a starlet needs one these days. It’s more than Kate Bosworth’s got anyhow.

The Olsens in Givenchy & Christian Dior – One day, the world will wake up and realise that the Olsen twins have been playing out a real life re-telling of the Emperor’s New Clothes. I don’t “get” Chloe Sevigny or Alexa Chung’s style, but I sort of understand why people do. But the Olsens? They generally look old – great-grandma made homeless and smelly old – with minor drug addict undertones. I also do not know which one is which and don’t wish to waste valuable seconds of my life in finding out so let’s just say that the one in the shapeless red designer potato sack looks better, basically just because she doesn’t look ill. The other one is wearing Barbara Cartland armbands as a style statement and looks like she has consumption. I’m sure they’re really nice people in real life…

Christina Hendricks in Carolina Herrera – I can’t remember the last time I saw Christina look good in anything other than a publicity shot for Mad Men. Suffice to say, adress with  a Dulux colour chart as its bodice and a really ugly oil painting that used to hang in my house as its bottom, is not going to break that chain. I’m intrigued by how they’ve managed to put sleeves on what the fashion gods surely intended to be a strapless sleeveless dress, but intrigued in a way that I want it solving on How 2 rather than in a ‘Wow, isn’t that fabulous way!’ way. Her skin looks beautiful though.

Zoe Saldana in Calvin Klein – And here’s how to do simple but stunning. This lemon yellow simple shift is like a palette cleanser to all the insanity that has gone before it and Zoe just looks like she’s skipped right out of a spring meadow smelling of daisies. I love the carefree cascading hair whilst the addition of a gold necklace peps up proceedings a little. It helps that no-one else wore this colour and that no-one else dared to play it quite this minimalist but when you’ve got a gorgeous girl in a gorgeous dress, very little can go wrong.

Kerry Washington in Escada – Did I mention that I like turquoise? Lucky Kerry therefore gets an easy pass for this relatively uncomplicated outfit, although those ultra-slimming cut-outs are a neat touch. Is the sea-foam shade plus the bubblegum pink lipstick plus the Monica humidity hair a bit too beach-ready? Oh screw it, her little Borrower clutch bag is too cute. Run by quick, before I change my mind.

Michelle Monaghan in Derek Lam – Is it me or has having a fringe completely changed Michelle Monaghan’s face? I showed some pictures of her plus bangs to my boyfriend and he swore that it wasn’t her. This gown is pulling a Zoe Saldana on me in making its minimalism work by way of a strong colour, although I like the shape less than Saldana’s. I’d even call it slightly austere-looking were it not for the fact that it is in bubblegum pink and calling anything bubblegum pink austere is just plain ridiculous. But the colour looks great against her hair and I love the contrast of the dark nails too. Am I still not convinced that this is Michelle Monaghan? Totally.

Elizabeth Banks in Tommy Hilfiger – I’ve mentioned a few times how Elizabeth Banks does absolutely nothing for me and yet every time I’ve featured her, she has duly decided to look stunning. Maybe I should send some curses Christina Hendricks’ way instead. This dress is just gorgeous. It’s that really yellow shade of gold that just looks so new and shiny and Midas-kissed that it bypasses all my vital senses and speaks straight to my inner Abu (you know, when he stuffs all the treasure down his top in the cave in Aladdin). Hair, make-up, jewellery – all flawless, all 50s screen siren worthy. So could you at least look happy about it, love?

Joy Bryant & Margherita Missoni in Missoni – Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, you are seeing knitwear at the Met Gala. Of course, colourful knitwear that looks like a Magic Eye painting is Missoni’s calling card (and yes, that is the second time I’ve name-checked Magic Eyes in these posts, high five!) so we shouldn’t really expect anything else from the designer. Joy’s still feels a little too casual, although I would definitely be interested in tasting the tropical cocktail that it was inspired by. Meanwhile, I am slightly in love with Margherita’s gown, a pretty pastel concoction that reminds me of Easter eggs. I’d change the slightly cheap-looking belt and give her a more romantic playful hair-do but otherwise, I’m picking Easter eggs over a Singapore Sling. Who’d have thunk?

Mila Jovovich & Anouck Lepere in Marni – The jury’s out on whether these dresses are a little too casual for the Met Gala but I really like both of them nonetheless. As ever, Mila is badass and WORKING hers like it’s the only LBD worth owning (and that embroidery is sooo pretty) whilst I love how Anouck has accessorised hers. It turns a dress with a print that looks like corporate artwork into something very funky and fashion and her loose waves are glorious. I actually want to wear both of these dresses, which despite my love for it, is not something I could say about Christina Ricci’s cobwebby confection.

Karlie Kloss & Angela Lindvall in Dior – Karlie Kloss is allegedly only 17 and gets to wear a stunning, gold, glittery Dior dress and look more self-assured and confident than most people in their thirties. (Angela Lindvall doesn’t look too shabby either.) Life sometimes really does seem unfair, right?!

P.S. Since I normally split my posts into favourites but haven’t here, plus you know I love lists, here’s my best-dressed from the event: 1) Gisele Bundchen 2) Diane Kruger 3) Liv Tyler 4) Chanel Iman 5) Christina Ricci, with honorable mentions going to Hilary Rhoda, Karolina Kurkova, Emma Roberts, Madonna, Zoe Saldana and SJP. And now I really am DONE!

Pictures: Just Jared, Style.com, Look.co.uk, Socialite Life, Huffington Post Style

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Red Carpet Rundown: Met Gala 2011, Savage Beauty

Posted on May 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

So more people wore Stella McCartney than Alexander McQueen at the Met Gala 2011, despite the fact it was supposed to be held in McQueen’s honour. But plenty of other people fulfilled the theme of Savage Beauty instead, right? Errr… The scratching sound you hear is me desperately scraping the barrel for attendees that were doing anything just a teensy bit untamed. I think you’ll know how seriously said barrel has been scraped when I tell you that Taylor Swift has made this list…

Liv Tyler in Givenchy – Liv was another of my favourites of the night in this Givenchy gown, even if she didn’t pair it with the insane headpiece (which could have turned things literally savage if she poked some fashionista’s eye out with a rogue antler). I usually don’t understood the fuss about Liv but I have to admit, she looks properly ethereally gorgeous here. The dress is from the same collection as Florence Welch’s Grammys gown but in my opinion, this one is so much better. Why? Well, fluorescent yellow feathers of course! The feather detailing down the body is so intricate and ornate and beautiful, and the way it dovetails (hey, see what I did there?!) into the yellow ombre effect is subtle yet stunning. And I love how Liv has pulled that colour out with the pop of her neon yellow clutch. She just looks heaven-sent.

Christina Ricci in Zac Posen – This, my Stella McCartney clad friends, is how you do Savage Beauty. It’s dramatic. It’s overblown. It’s impossible not to notice. And as such, it’s a perfect tribute to McQueen. How appropriate too that it’s Wednesday Adams wearing this Gothic spectacle of a dress. It looks like it was fashioned from cobwebs, with Christina rising above them as the ultimate black widow of them all. It says something about her star presence that, given she’s about the size of an oompa-loompa in real life, she’s not overwhelmed by the huge train or the opulent theatricality of the gown. Instead, she just belongs. A deliciously dark delight.

Diane Kruger in Jason Wu – Diane Kruger was another of my favourites of the night. This might not be the style statement of Ricci but at least it’s trying to do something a little bit different, and it’s certainly enough of a departure from Wu’s typically beautiful but safe designs to merit attention. I love the old Hollywood glamour Diane is bringing to this look and there is something a little bit dangerous about that sexy thigh-high split. She looks sensational.

Jennifer Lopez in Gucci – The first time I saw this dress, I hated it. But as I watched the parade of uninspiring outfits filter by, I began to have a new-found appreciation for this one. Firstly, that striking power-punch of cerise is an amazing colour on J. Lo, and the way she’s matched it with that lipstick – well, I wouldn’t expect anything less! Secondly, the shape is interesting without being overpowering. Thirdly, the flower shrug… well, I love it. It gives the dress so much more drama whilst also being beautiful and romantic and quirky and wild. Jennifer wears it with a sense of ‘Flowers as a cardigan? Why, but I do it all the time! Marc personally plucked these from the garden before we came…’ that just makes me love it even more. With her hair scraped back, I expect her to break out into a passionate flamenco and finish off by throwing bits of her shrug to an appreciative audience. In short, I’m making up a whole story from just one dress. Either I’m mental (and exhausted by so many dresses) or this really is fine work from Mr Gucci. I’m hoping for the latter!

Crystal Renn in Zac Posen – It seems that of all the designers who custom-made gowns for this event, it was only Zac Posen who actually bothered to read the invite. He brings the drama again with this number, which has a Victorian villainess feel to it. In fact, I expect Crystal to be robbing carriages or stealing crystal lockets at balls. How exhausting it must be to be a model and keep up this level of high drama and fierce pouting all night, although I have to say, I did prefer Crystal in her curvier days. I hope she managed to master an evil cackle for the night as well.

Shalom Harlow in Marchesa – What’s this, a Marchesa dress that doesn’t look like a wedding gown?! This dress is more a feat of engineering than anything else, it’s so insanely structural and yet still soft and swirly, which makes for an interesting contrast. That black detail looks so organic, like it just flowed right onto the gown from an ink well, and reminds me of those butterflies you see made out of craft paper on homemade greetings cards; I’m stunned and charmed that Shalom managed to find the one hair grip in the city that exactly matched that effect.

Ciara in Prabal Gurung – You may remember Ciara tweeting that her dress was reminiscent of McQueen and me being annoyed that she didn’t just, you know, wear McQueen. At this rate however, anything is better than nothing and this dress follows the feather theme of the other Sarah Burton dresses we saw that evening, even it’s a little less flamboyant. Then again, how much less flamboyant can feathers be?! This dress is a fairly standard shape but the ombre effect is rather dreamy and I am absolutely obsessed with Ciara’s cuff. I want one myself so I can pretend to be She-Ra round the house again.

Karolina Kukova in Jean Paul Gaultier – Another divinely theatrical look being worked by another divinely fierce model. From some angles, this dress was like a Magic Eye picture where you had to spot the leggings; how amazingly mind-bogglingly bonkers an idea to fashion them out of the same lace as the lining of the skirt. Karolina carries this off with such an effortless poise and majestic sense of ownership, as if she walks around all the time fanning out her underskirts for all to see. It’s a startlingly clever dress but it also just looks uniquely magnificent. You can’t get much better than that.

Bar Refaeli in Reem Acra – Opulence personified. Do gowns get more spendidly exotically decadent than this? Bar is totally channelling Cleopatra in this gown and it’s so richly detailed AND GOLDEN AND SHINY that I can’t help but fall for it a little, even if it isn’t doing her figure any major favours. I love the small turquoise elements that are brought out further by her earrings and handbag – I’m a sucker for turquoise and these fashion folk seem to be great at making accent colours pop for the better. Meanwhile, all Bar has to do is be reincarnated as a mannequin in a department store and capture an 80s Brat Packer’s heart and I’ll be one very happy bunny. [This is a long-winded reference to one of my favourite films of all time and ultimate guilty pleasure, Mannequin, starring a young Kim Cattrall, a Golden Girl, a bombastic  Starship power ballad and one of the most preposterous plots of all time. I don’t get to chuck Mannequin references in very often, so please humour me.]

Beyonce in Emilio Pucci – Here’s a gown that really was savage, as Beyonce could hardly breathe/pose/move in it and eventually had to hauled up the stairs by various minions after she almost fell down them. I’m all for suffering for fashion but at least make it fashion that’s actually nice to look at?! This reminds me of another of the ugliest dresses in recent memory, coincidentally also worn by Beyonce at 2009’s Oscars. That was designed by her own line, House of Dereon, and I thought this was too… but in fact, it’s by Pucci! It’s so tacky and vulgar looking, like the kind of cheap imitation Baroque fireplace that’s the first thing people have ripped out of their new home on property shows. Her head looks like it’s ready to pop off due to how long she’s been holding her breath, whilst she actually appears to be listing like the Leaning Tower of Pisa except much more precarious, like she’s ready to keel over. And the glory hole for her boobs? Seriously? At the Met Gala?! I have to leave the final words to Fashion Critic at the Red Carpet Fashion Awards: ‘This might be a custom Pucci design, but it has Tina Knowles written all over it’. Trust me, insults in the fashion world don’t come much greater!

Leighton Meester in Louis Vuitton – Well, the theme was Savage Beauty and this outfit is positively vicious all-round! Every element seemed to have been sourced from some sort of fetish bondage shop and it all just looks a little hard and uncomfortable. Normally Leighton manages to sell her look, however ridiculous (remember that time you could see her entire bare ass in a lace jumpsuit?), but here she looks rather tame and unconvinced herself – more heavy-duty black eyeliner required, methinks! Honestly, it’s a bit of a relief as I’ve always liked Leighton and prefer to think of her without any sado-masochistic undertones.

Saoirse Ronan in Rodarte – This has clearly been cobbled together from charity shop finds. The bottom half is a vintage sequinned ballgown that you’re not quite sure about but hey, it’s so cheap and SJP always makes these things work, so why the hell not? (Said before it languishes in your wardrobe for years on end). The top half is an 80s power-suit, possibly worn by a tv anchorwoman, maybe even Ann Diamond. And the shoes? Well, no-one knows what Saoirse was thinking with the shoes. I’m really happy that Saoirse isn’t going down the typical teen ingénue route with her style choices (hello, Dakota Fanning) but this isn’t Rodarte’s finest effort. Interesting? Yes. Attractive? Hellz no. (That being said, perhaps some model in strong directional make-up and constant Crystal Renn glare might have made it work.)

Taylor Swift in J Mendel – Yes, Taylor Swift managed to make a list with the word ‘Savage’ in it. Sweet, pretty, innocent Taylor, with her long curly hair and guitar and songs about love and butterflies and John Meyer being a douche. But this is a pleasant departure from her usual spangles o’ clock setting and in fact, she looks genuinely classically beautiful whilst the stronger make-up is a sophisticated more grown-up touch than we’re used to getting from Taylor. The gown is yet another in the nude brigade but there’s darker forces at work too. I love how that black detail cascades up one shoulder and how, if you look closely, the same detail is continued in the main fabric of the dress too. The frayed edges, the aged beige colour (that you got by swishing about a used tea-bag in art), the way that black pattern feels like a vine slowly climbing over and covering the dress like a rambling old mansion or a strangely beautiful type of mould – yes, there I go creating a story again but there’s an intriguing sense of decay about this gorgeous gown that makes it so much more than stereotype pretty.

Doutzen Kroes in Giambattista Valli – Uh-oh, someone got out-Giselled! Under normal circumstance, this might have been a show-stopping dress but once you’ve got Giselle throwing shapes the other side of the room in an even more show-stopping dress, this striking red number becomes almost ordinary in comparison. What I do like is the juxtaposition between the very clean, almost harsh lines of the top half, compared with the pouffy volume of the bottom. Pretty… but just not Giselle.

Keri Hilson in Atelier Versace – More juxtaposition (yay as it’s one of my favourite words) with this gown, where there’s some overtly sexy form-fitting knitwear up-top contrasted with some princess-gown tulle clouds floating around the bottom. I love the dusty periwinkle colour but I’m not so in love with what Keri’s bringing to the gown. The tacky yellow rootsy hair? (Whose natural hair colour is that; it sure as hell isn’t hers!) The overdose of eyeshadow? The vast array of bling? The boobs clinging on to that neckline for their life? What on the model looks like an interesting neckline, Keri makes look like visible bra straps. Which just about says it all.

Blake Lively in Chanel – Well, I had to put Blake in here didn’t I? Love her or hate her, at least she’s never boring with her style choices. I’m really not sure about the new strawberry blonde hair though – I loved it on her debut redhead look but here, I think something needs to give, either the tan or the dye, as they’re just jostling around too close for comfort colour-wise. I’m not crazy about the dress either; half toga party, half raunchy figure skater. And however much Blake tries to sell it to me with her trademark attitude and orgasm-face, it’s still kinda tacky. Even if it’s Chanel. (Don’t tell Karl).

Pictures: Just Jared, Style.com, Look.co.uk, Socialite Life, Huffington Post Style

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Red Carpet Rundown: Met Gala 2011, Wedding Fever

Posted on May 5, 2011 | 2 comments

It seems even A-Listers weren’t immune from Royal Wedding fever, as several turned up at the Met Gala 2011 in gowns fit for a princess bride. And if it wasn’t fit for the bride, then it was fit for a bridesmaid (£1 wiggly worm optional), a guest (nut job headpiece included) or just a princess in general…

Chanel Iman in Dolce & Gabanna – Chanel was one of my favourites at this event, I just adore this dress. Who says white lace can’t be classy? It’s so pretty and lady-like but Chanel, despite the prim and proper chignon, is giving it so much oomph that it’s pretty damn sexy too. I can’t believe this is the same chick who rocked a gold lamé jumpsuit at last year’s Met Ball – talk about a style chameleon! This is a dress that would look fresh as a daisy all night long, whatever the decade. LOVE.

Miranda Kerr in Marchesa – Marchesa dresses always run the fine line between being amazingly beautiful red carpet gowns and amazingly beautiful bridal-wear; here’s yet another example. Admittedly, this is more funky bride working a ballerina/Tinkerbell vibe (helloooo awesome Nicholas Kirkwood shoes!) but Miranda’s got the youth, beauty and husband handsome enough to make it look cute and exuberant rather than sad and desperate. I imagine someone trod on her shoe or put out a cigarette on her skirt as there’s just too much prettiness going on here!

Jessica Alba in Ralph Lauren – Just like Kate Hudson before her, this also has the whiff of ‘pregnant lady getting married’. However, whereas Hudson’s at least seemed to have the various component parts of a whole dress, Alba’s just looks like a giant wedding veil.

Jennifer Hudson in Vera Wang – Jennifer’s devoted a significant amount of time recently to showing off her new bod, meaning lots of tight short form-fitting dresses, so it’s nice to see a more floaty princess look. And if you’re looking for floaty princess looks, you can’t really go wrong with Vera Wang! This is basically a wedding dress with a light grey overlay; alternatively, it’s basically Mila Kunis’ gown from last year’s Met Gala but with all the crazy embellishments ripped off. Either way, it’s still very pretty and Jennifer looks lovely.

Fergie in Marchesa – I chose this picture because Fergie just looks so cute and happy! However, this is just WAY too bridal. I wouldn’t be surprised if Fergie struck a deal with some paps so she could take home some snaps, as she’s gone off the ones from her real wedding. An abundance of froth and lace, a big train, a man in a suit AND a headdress?! Too much, Fergie Ferg, too much.

Lily Donaldson in Erdem – She’s here mainly because her dress is lace and yes, it’s blue lace and it has a Peter Pan collar and it’s actually kind of see-through so it would never work as a wedding dress at all, apart from for those fashion-y types who are too cool for school and would probably wear Gaga’s meat dress for their big day given the chance. I admit to a bit of a style blind spot as far as Erdem is concerned because I tend to just blindly love all his designs because ooooh… aren’t they just so pretty?! And yes, this one is see-through and a bit Grandma’s tablecloth and I can see Lily’s sports bra but ooooh… isn’t it just so pretty?!


Serena Williams in Oscar de la Renta – Here’s where things veer into bridezilla territory. Was Serena sat at home, weeping copiously whilst watching Prince William saying his vows, screaming ‘It should have been me!!!’?! This feather explosion looks as if she said ‘Screw it, I’m just gonna wear the wedding dress I secretly hid at the back of my wardrobe years ago before the moths get to it’; the hideous fascinator says ‘Where the hell was my invite? I still could have changed his mind!’ Jokes aside, this kind of twee pretty stuff just doesn’t work for Serena; she needs to bring the fierce and I’m not sure anyone can ever do that whilst wearing a fascinator. Ever.

Demi Moore in Prabal Gurung – Another disappointed would-be Royal Wedding guest – just because you dyed it black doesn’t mean we don’t know your game, Demi! Black, white, purple with green spots… I honestly doubt there’s a colour that exists yet that would make this dress look good. Not only is it moulting down below, but there’s a parasitic sea anemone sprouting from her breast; meanwhile, the fascinator was rescued from a long-defunct cabaret show. It’s like Demi has been holding in this insanity for so long with all her tasteful flattering dresses all year and has just had a complete meltdown. Which makes it sort of amazing. That’s the Met Ball for you!

Rumer Willis in Badgley Mischka – Meanwhile, Demi’s daughter did an even better job at hiding her Royal Wedding guest-list aspirations. Seeing how ridiculous Mummy and Serena looked, she hastily pinned her fascinator onto one side of her dress instead! I actually think this dress is rather awesome, the detailing all over the gown looks like pieces of stained glass or a not very well fitted together mosaic, but in a good way. On any other night, this dress would be a show-stealer but sadly, because it’s boring black and she’s only Rumer Willis, it got lost in a fug of outrageous fashion statements, huge trains and crazy people wearing fascinators.

Dakota Fanning in Valentino –I don’t know if this dress could get any prettier unless fairies floated around it at all times. Can you imagine how cute this would be shrunk to miniature for little bridesmaids or flower-girls?! Adorable! However, I’m not impressed with Dakota’s make-up, which is so barely-there that it’s not at all. I do think neutral was the right way to go but it hasn’t been executed well; she looks pale and shiny rather than dewy and glowing. Her hair also has no style to it whatsoever – how about romantic waves or a classy up-do? At least we’re reminded that Dakota is still actually in her teens, as she looked scarily adult all dolled-up in The Runaways, but I find myself swooning over the dress and regarding her face as an afterthought.

Jessica Stam in Tommy Hilfiger – This pretty blush number would also be simple enough to look sweet on a bridesmaid, although it’s stunning enough to work as the main number too. Although there were far too many beige gowns going on at this event, this is just a winsomely gorgeous dress, being sold beautifully by Stam. Note the flawless makeup and the lovely half-up half-down hair, Dakota!

Ashley Greene in Donna Karan – And so we continue our tour round Switzerland i.e. the neutral zone. This is a big pouffy princess number, designed for waltzing round in Disney castles, and there’s no doubt that Ashley looks exquisite – I love how the earrings bring out the silver detailing and how a simple up-do stops it all from being overkill. But every time I look at it, I’m reminded of Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lopez doing the same look last year and absolutely slaying it in their respective princess and diva ways. As yet, Ashley just doesn’t have the star quality to make this any more than an absolutely breath-taking dress on legs.

Renee Zellweger in Carolina Herrera – Yes, this is a picture of Renee’s back. That’s because it was a whole lot more interesting than the front, which honestly could have been mistaken for slightly cobwebby looking skin. I just love the shape here – the plunging back, the sprinkle of silver fairy dust, the trailing train. Or perhaps I’m just won over by the composition of the photo – a moment of stillness and serenity amidst a scrum of screaming paparazzi. Even so, what does this say about Renee’s face that I’d rather stare at picture’s of her back?! [Incidentally, I read some amazing guff that the plunging back was inspired by McQueen’s low-slung, butt-grazing jeans. Well, OK Carolina, if you say so…]

Maggie Q in Tadashi Shoji – I frigging love Maggie Q and her kickass ways. My enjoyment of Nikita is entirely based around her being her badass self, breaking things, beating people up and blowing stuff up, all with just one swish of that glossy mane of hair. So this dreamy romantic concoction is a change of scene from her usual slinky sexy ways. The dress is gorgeous, a tumbling cascade of roses, and bar a little heavy-handedness with the eye make-up, Maggie’s pretty gorgeous herself. (Please click for an enlargement, Maggie will shoot you if you don’t look at her pretty up-close)

Emma Stone in Lanvin – Finally we come to the wedding guest section i.e. an excuse for me to shoehorn florals into this post. Since Emma’s dress looks neither like a tablecloth, curtains nor wallpaper, we can conclude that it is a reasonable successful take on a floral dress. I absolutely love how big and bold the print is, while the monochrome palette prevents it from looking too big and bold and the cut is doing all sorts of sexy things to Emma’s figure. Yes, the hair is still blonde and seems to be getting even blonder out of spite to all us non-believers but that pop of pink lipstick is an inspired touch.

Sofia Vergara in Carolina Herrera – You all know I’ve been critical of Sofia ‘va va voom’ Vergara in the past and what do you know, she looks reassuringly lushly gorgeous once she puts the armoury away, back to the chest area where they belong as opposed to somewhere near her eyeline. This is a simple silhouette that works entirely because of the floral embroidery (even if it appears to have had pieces of sticky tape placed on it at random) and she just looks lovely. A stand-out for all the right reasons, this is probably the best she’s ever looked.

Randomer in Erdem – Yes, I know nothing of fashion. Tyra would be screeching at me and throwing me out of the model house after I gaped vacantly in one of her challenges after she asked me to pose like *insert obscure model’s name here*. But I had to put this in because this dress is soooo gorgeous. The very best illustration of how florals can look elegant and effortless, with not a hint of tablecloth, curtain or wallpaper in sight. I absolutely love how it works with Randomer’s milkmaid braid – such a pretty romantic look all-round. Good work, Randomer, whoever you are.

Kirsten Dunst in Chanel – Oh Snaggletooth, what happened? You used to be so cool and hip and now you look like a soccer mom. I dislike the dress (it looks like the kind of floral design people paint onto canal boats) but I dislike what Kiki is doing to it even more. Blowsy hair, puffy face, frumpy feel. This is Chanel?!?! Seriously?!

Pictures: Just Jared, Style.com, Look.co.uk, Socialite Life, Huffington Post Style

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Red Carpet Rundown: Met Gala 2011, Stella’s Stars

Posted on May 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

The Met Gala 2011 was supposed to be in honour of Alexander McQueen… so of course, the greatest number of people chose to wear Stella McCartney. Stella was co-chairing the event… then again, so was Colin Firth… and even though I love a lot of these gowns, I don’t think any of them fit the theme of Savage Beauty. Do you?

Can you believe this is the same woman who was last seen out-slutting her teenage daughter by showing off her bare ass at a post-Oscars party? This is the best Madonna has looked in ages – classy, sophisticated yet far from being contrived or boring. This steely blue colour looks brilliant on her, especially combined with those perfectly-coiffed golden waves, and I love the silver stars that trail their way down her back and onto her train.

Iman looks a bit like Ru Paul. And if you aren’t a fan of high campery and heavy trashtastic-ness, then bling-covered jumpsuits probably aren’t for you. Then again, you’re no shrinking violet if you managed to snag Ziggy Stardust as a hubbie and you can’t deny she is working the hell out of it and looking fiercely Amazonian anyway. And what’s the perfect accessory to gold sequins, a blaze of golden hair and glowing golden skin? A gold belt buckle, of course. Duh.

I’ve long been a fan of Maggie Gyllenhaal’s red carpet style – she has an easy grown-up grace about her that doesn’t seem too try-hard – and this is another winner in my book. I adore the oceanic blue glitter and the unusual neckline, although I’m slightly concerned by the lack of bra and consequently, the nipple standing to attention that seems to follow my gaze. I know I applauded her lack of try-hardiness but there are limits…

This is such a standard Gwyneth Paltrow gown that it bores me to boring beige tears. A simple nude sheath dress, there’s no doubt it’s super-flattering and suits her but seriously, the carpet is more savage than anything in this look.

Eva Mendes is one of those people that just doesn’t excite me on the red carpet and this isn’t really any exception. This royal blue one-sleeved number has that whole 70s boho aesthetic that McCartney was channelling last season and I love the sense of movement and volume Mendes is bringing for photos, but it feels a bit too carefree and casual for *the* fashion event of the year. If what you really need to set your outfit off is a big floppy sun-hat, you know it probably just isn’t cutting it.

Another super-pretty dress, another complete lack of savageness. I’m gonna stop harping on about it now. I do love the ethereal fairy dust aspect of Naomi Watts’ gown but I feel like I saw it all before with Mandy Moore at this year’s Oscars.

When did Kate Hudson get this pregnant?! Last time I looked, it was a mere bump in the road but now it looks like she’s smuggling watermelons Phoebe-style. The long wavy hair, the embellished bodice and the fishtail train are saying one thing to me – mermaid. That and the sea-shell she stuck on top of her head. I guess there are worse things you can look like than a heavily pregnant mermaid on her wedding day and she’s doing her usual Goldie Hawn-inherited Kate Hudson thing by looking glowy and pretty regardless. At least it looks vaguely comfortable and easy to sit down and pee in, which were probably greater concerns for Kate than say… Daphne Guinness.

Thandie Newton is one of my serial style crushes and as ever, she’s giving me flawless face. I love the top half of this dress, with the deep V-neck with scalloped edging, but I’m not sure about the bottom half. I know it isn’t really her underwear I can see, but I still feel it’s improper of me to look.

I find Rihanna’s dress oddly unflattering, like a jumpsuit that someone has opened up the legs of – and you haven’t even seen the tacky see-through slit down the side yet, which proved lots of fun for the photographers when she bent down to fiddle with her train. Well, I say see-through, it looked more like support tights… Yet that isn’t my main issue. Even from here, through a photograph comprised of pixels on a computer screen, that braid boasts more synthetic material than a Primark sale. I’ve loved Rihanna’s flaming red tresses with some of her more colourful outrageous looks, but it just looks fake and cheap here. Pippi Longstocking would not be impressed.

The problem with everyone wearing the same designer is that things start to get a bit repetitive. So that intricate swirling lace pattern that’s providing interest on Kate Winslet’s gown entirely take over Hailee Steinfeld’s, albeit in a different colour (seen on Amber Valetta’s dress too). Meanwhile, the black lace aspect of Winslet’s gown is also reminiscent of Thandie’s and Rihanna’s outfits too.

Kate Winslet’s dress is elegant, classy and sophisticated but it must be the hundredth time she’s rocked this whole ‘simple black gown with random areas of interest’ look and I miss the Winslet who used to wear bright red Ben de Lisi or mint green Alice Temperley or electric blue Narsico Rodriguez. Guess the colour-loving part of her got airbrushed away with that last magazine cover.

Hailee Steinfeld swept everyone away with her sweet fresh style this awards season but this may be her first serious misstep. I think it would be pretty cute sans train but, overall, it just feels too heavy for her.

So it looks like Stella McCartney saved the most savage of her gowns for herself. Sadly, it’s just a bizarre Project Runway challenge – to make a dress out of a penguin costume. Seems there’s a reason I’ve never seen a neckline shaped like that before. I happily await the gif where someone superimposes a nun’s face over her legs.

Pictures: Just Jared, Style.com, Look.co.uk, Socialite Life, Huffington Post Style

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Red Carpet Rundown: Met Gala 2011, All Hail McQueen!

Posted on May 4, 2011 | 1 comment

The Met Ball is usually my favourite red carpet event of the year. It’s all about the fashion, daaahling, which usually means everyone forgets about playing safe and instead sets upon the dress-up box with all the unrestrained glee of a five year old child. The scene was set for the Met Gala 2011 to be the most craziest amazingest one of all, as it was held in honour of fashion maverick Alexander McQueen, with a theme of Savage Beauty. So what did the A-Listers do? Decide to play it safe, of course!

Given that style slideshows for the Met Ball usually number in the hundreds rather than the tens, is it not disappointing that only about a dozen of the attendees bothered to wear the designer they were supposed to be paying tribute to? Ciara (in Prabal Gurung) actually tweeted something about being excited that her dress was ‘very reminiscent of Alexander McQueen’ – why don’t you just wear McQueen then, you eejit?! At least she did better than most with a feathery gown that was just about dramatic enough to be reminiscent of McQueen – I’m yet to discover how boring beige or pretty princess dresses could be connected.

So it seems only fitting to kick off my red carpet rundown with the folk who bothered to wear the designer. Yes, on any other night, they may have looked like whacked-out mentalists yet here, they were just about the only ones who looked like they could read an invitation. And some even offer a telling reminder that McQueen wasn’t all about whacked-out mentalists in the first place. The most fitting tribute of all?

And chief amongst them, Gisele. She not only totally OWNED the event, she made everyone else wonder why? Why they’d bothered to make an effort, why they’d turned up at all, why they weren’t as beautiful as Gisele, why the hell they hadn’t worn McQueen, … all the above and much much more. There are no more words to describe what is basically perfection.

And how awesome is this photo of Gisele and Naomi Campbell?! ‘TA-DA!!!’ From one end of the McQueen spectrum, dramatic yet simple breath-taking beauty, to the other – ornate embroidery, avante-garde embellishments, this is haute couture that simply isn’t intended for mere mortals. Campbell shows it might not even work for models but I applaud her for trying. And if anyone else was going to try and pull off wearing a coat of arms on their boobs and streams of loo paper everywhere else, I’m sure as hell glad it’s batshit-crazy Naomi. She even manages to look almost regal.

Anna Dello Russo shows how to make mentalist work; admittedly, it helps if you’re renowned in the fashion community for making mentalist your uniform. So she’s wearing an egg on her head, a matador’s outfit on her body, the most beautiful pair of gold booties on her feet and her sleeves are detaching themselves from the shoulders – and she looks smokin’. If she got any cooler, Wintour would have to kill her. Maybe.

It was mostly left up to fashion folk to pay tribute so here’s Liu Wen (who?) and Constance Jablonski (who???) in McQueen designs. I love Wen’s sexy number, which is all about the striking neckline and immaculate cut. The smoky eyes, strong lips and fierce cuffs totally work as well, like some classy exceedingly well-dressed dominatrix. I’m less certain about Jablonski’s ensemble – the powdery mottled grey print is soft and lovely, she looks ridiculously long and lean and the metallic belt stops it all from becoming a drippy watercolour. But the elephant in the room is the ruff, which does make it look like Constance’s lovely face is being served up on a platter or has been Photoshopped on afterwards. Then again, she’s a model and ends up looking pretty great anyway.

I lurve Karen Elson’s gold gown with a tarnished antique effect that makes it look like it’s decaying – but in such style! Together with that gorgeous red hair teased over one eye and that flawless porcelain skin, she looks like she could give those 1950s screen sirens a run for their money. Though she’d need to grow some boobs first, obviously.

I also love love love Hilary Rhoda’s Victoriana-esque coat dress. It’s not the kind of thing I usually love and I’m dying to give her a top hat and whip but I just think it looks stunning. It’s something about that crisp white colour and the brilliance of the design and tailoring that makes what is essential a gentleman’s riding jacket… and not even one from this century… look exquisitely feminine, high-fashion and would never have ended up as anything else. And we’ve not even mentioned her Union Jack clutch yet, which is just so many shades of awesome it outshone most of the other red carpet walkers.

Daphne Guinness, Raquel Zimmerman and Coco Rocha all wore looks from McQueen’s most recent collection, designed by (obligatory Royal Wedding mention) Sarah Burton. As you can see, feathers may have been a prominent theme. Coco’s is obviously the most understated and I love the tribal feel of the gold embellishments. Raquel’s is next in the swan evolution line and although that’s a hell of a lot of dress, you gotta love the dramz; it truly is evil black swan princess territory. Finally, we have dear old Daphne, rocking two types of feather and only a few tweets away from sprouting wings – let’s not think how many birds are wandering around bald thanks to this collection – who looks some kind of fabulous. It’s totally outrageous, ridiculously flamboyant and yet it works. It’s more likely that she could lay an egg in it than sit down, but as far as fashion statements go, it’s so gloriously deliciously overblown that I can’t resist. We need more Daphnes on the red carpet – for the lolz if for nothing else.

Trust Sarah Jessica Parker to show everyone how it’s done. To all that thought McQueen was all tartan, spikes and outrageousness, here she showcases classy elegant shimmering sophistication. It’s little unexpected touches like the cowl neck and three-quarter length sleeves that make this even more stunning than your average glittery gown, whilst the ice blue shoes are just so so right. And I get the feeling you don’t often get to say that about ice blue shoes so let’s all wallow in that.

Salma Hayek is a brand ambassador for McQueen so it’s no surprise she turned up wearing the label, even if I’ve never been convinced of the match-up. McQueen often seems too edgy for Hayek and the elaborate designs a little too busy for her short curvy body but this gown is lovely. It’s soft, romantic, flowing and languorous, the draping just so. The colour is a little too close to her skin-tone to make it an unqualified success but the dress itself is beautiful.

And then there’s Chloe Sevigny. I don’t get Chloe’s signature much-feted style and frankly, I’ve given up trying. This is exactly the sort of unflattering frumpy outfit I’d expect her to turn up in, McQueen or not. Her boobs couldn’t get more saggy-looking if you hung weights on them. The iddy-biddy tie is an unnecessary afterthought from a designer staring despondently at the image of Colonel Sanders on his KFC bucket. The hair is just… there. Flatly malevolent. Much like the whole ensemble. Sorry but no.

Pictures: Just Jared, Style.com, Look.co.uk, Socialite Life, Huffington Post Style

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Red Carpet Rundown: 2011 Oscar Parties, Part III

Posted on March 18, 2011 | 2 comments

Looks like you made it through the sea of bad taste, the Muppets outbreak and the ocean of yawn through to my final red carpet rundown from the 2011 Oscar Parties. Your reward? A dozen or so more dresses to cast judgement on, of course.

Lea Michele in Roberto Cavalli – There’s something slightly schizophrenic about this dress, like it was designed by a Mormon who raved it up in Studio 54 when his parents weren’t watching. For me, the uber-high neckline and long sleeves just don’t work with a dress that’s had Taylor Swift’s entire wardrobe of sequins flung at it. The pattern looks like it’s desperate to become a Union Jack but hasn’t quite made it, and although there is a slight 70s diva charm to it, my overriding feeling is one of ‘ugh’.

Taylor Swift in Zuhair Murad – Taylor’s here to reclaim her sequins. ‘They’re mine, all MINE! …Even the blue ones!’ ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if someone else wore us… just once’ begged Baby Sequin to Poppa Sequin. Pretty enough but even the sequins are starting to look bored of Taylor’s signature look.

Selena Gomez in Dolce & Gabanna – This is also standard for Selena, namely wearing dresses that are more grown-up than she is. I think this red gown is gorgeous (particularly the double straps) but I think I’d love it even more on someone taller, older and who isn’t dating Justin Bieber. How about giving it to me?

Kate Beckinsale in Julien Macdonald – If this was America’s Next Top Model, Kate would be receiving first call-out for this picture. Girlfriend is working it! Putting away my inner Tyra for a minute, this is a smouldering number that takes the basic shape of Lea Michele’s misfire and remembers to add some sex to the equation. Add Kate, who exudes a sense of stardom strong enough to make you forget she’s never really been in any good movies, and you have a winner.

Anna Kendrick in Marchesa – They say that ‘Life is like a box of chocolates’, so Anna came dressed as one. Specifically, a Valentines gift box. Needless to say, what works for a Thorntons shelf doesn’t necessarily translate to the red carpet.

Emma Stone in Chanel Couture – I don’t think I even need to mention the hair anymore so let’s head straight to the outfit. A top with a print that looks like it was made with 90s Clipart pictures of fireworks, a lace skirt that’s sprouted a ponytail and all in dark colours that seem at odds with Emma’s typically sunny disposition (and sitcom hair). And yet… perhaps I’ve been writing too long, perhaps I’m just willing to forgive the lovely Emma anything (including hair made of straw) but colour me crazy, I think it works.

Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung – I never thought pink and red were a great match yet Zoe carries it off with such aplomb that I almost wasn’t reminded of a Hallmark display. However, the ruff?! There’s a reason no one but clowns have worn these since Tudor times. I do applaud the candle holder/ornamental Turkish Delight box as a handbag though. In fact, I’m not sure it’s even supposed to be a handbag… just Zoe trying to extract some sort of use from the pretty frippery you find scattered in aspirational lifestyle stores and find yourself buying even though they have no other ostensible purpose than to sit and look pretty. Much like Jessica Biel. Ornamental Turkish Delight box may even have had more charisma in The A-Team too.

Emma Roberts and Ashley Tisdale in Jenny Packham – I really love Jenny Packham dresses. They don’t involve models wearing gimp masks down the catwalk, they don’t require “directional” (e.g. freaky scary) make-up to look their best and they don’t try and hit so many trends that they look like a fashion editor’s mood board just vomited itself onto an unsuspecting passer-by. They’re unashamedly pretty, feminine, feature liberal use of sparkle and are all the better for it. Emma Roberts’ dress is probably my favourite of all the Oscar party outfits (and indeed, edges out most of the gowns from the main event); I just love the way the sleeves sit and how it seems that a star is exploding from the gown’s middle. Shame it’s on Emma, who excites me about as much as a film starring Jessica Biel, Elizabeth Banks, Kate Bosworth AND Jessica Alba (in case you’re new here, that’s marginally less than staring at a blank screen). I like Ashley Tisdale a whole lot more but like her dress a little bit less – but it’s still a gorgeous shimmering champagne colour and I love that twisted shoulder detail.

Kerry Washington in Escada – Having sported thick heavy bangs (or as it was known then, a fringe) for most of my youth, whenever I see this hairdo, I immediately start having traumatic flashbacks to the pain and months of impaired vision that growing it out entailed. So, I’m not usually a fan (see Sandra Bullock at this year’s Golden Globes). But I actually like the blunt bangs on Kerry and it plays in well with the metallic line details on her glittering diva gown. I’d say it was sassy if I didn’t hate the word.

Paz Vega in Giambattista Valli – This is just lovely, soft and unexpected. It feels a little more suited to a charity lunch or a day at the races but it’s still a stand-out amongst all the sequins and vampy colours. Pretty yet directional thanks to the strong but squishy shape, the romantic ruffly skirt makes me thinks of pillows, clouds, marshmallows and meadows of spring flowers. All good connotations, let me assure you.

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Red Carpet Rundown: 2011 Oscar Parties, Part II

Posted on March 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

Having reamed you in with some shameless titillation via the black lace brigade at the Oscars 2011 Parties, here’s some more outfits, from the bizarre to the beautiful with just about everything in-between. Since I’m still feeling grubby from seeing Madonna’s butt cheeks, do you mind if we start with the beautiful?

Anne Hathaway in Versace – So the pattern is a cross between a Celtic knot and the etchings on Xena The Warrior Princess’ breastplates but I still love it. The darker shade of red is gorgeous, it flows beautifully and it’s not a typical Anne Hathaway princess dress. Although she did deserve one for propping up a stoned James Franco for four hours.

Juliette Lewis in Georges Hobeika Couture – Calling Juliette Lewis… you know, ker-azy Juliette Lewis who shows up at events with Native American head-dresses, dodgy home dye jobs and does a ‘rock on’ gesture whilst sticking her tongue out for photos? I’m not sure that that Juliette Lewis would recognise this dignified creature but hey, sophistication suits her well. Ever since Kate Middleton wore that royal blue Issa engagement dress, I’ve been all over this shade like the royal couple over commemorative tableware. It’s a simple timeless shape that flatters and let’s the colour do the work. Which it does. Gorgeous.

Charlize Theron in Atelier Versace – There are times when Charlize Theron’s aura of perfection grates and there are times when all you can do is sigh pathetically and let her get on with being too perfect for the likes of us mere mortals. Had she attended the Oscars themselves, she would have been easily amongst the best dressed with this effortlessly gorgeous gown. It’s clean enough to be classically beautiful but with just the right amount of embellishment to stop it being boring and actually improve on simplicity. Flawless hair, flawless make-up… what else is there to say? She could probably wear this inside out and still look just as good (Arrested Development reference ahoy!).

Anna Paquin in Monique Lhullier – Initially, I thought this dress was boring and wasn’t going to write about it. Since then, I’ve decided I love it, want it and won’t rest until I’ve claimed a cheap high street knock-off of it. I love the romantic ruffles of the flamenco-esque skirt, I love the criss-cross and thus super-flattering bodice with its wide shoulder straps and I love Anna’s mini-quiff. It’s not quite as daring as her outfits last awards season but it’s subtly crept up and become one of my favourite looks from the event. Sneaky work, Sooki.

Naomi Watts in Zac Posen – Heading now for the bizarre, thanks to this dress, which makes Naomi look like she has a vagina somewhere around her midriff. This has distracted both us and her from the fact that a Muppet has attached itself to her backside. I normally love Naomi’s classy style but this is odd.

Anika Noni Rose – What was this, ‘Bring Your Muppet To Work Day’? Another bizarre ensemble, and I’m not sure whether I’m more fascinated by the Fraggle Rock puppet clinging to her side or the strange distortion in the dress that makes it look like Anika has a strangely high, material-sucking belly button. Is that better or worse than a strangely high vagina? I’ll leave you to decide.

Bryce Dallas Howard – Whenever I see this dress I want to sing. Songs like I Can Hear The Bells from Hairspray. Or ‘I’m getting married in the morning… DING DONG! The bells are going to chime!’ (from My Fair Lady and yes, I watch too many musicals). Or even ‘Oranges and lemons, say the bells of St Clements’. Are you getting the common theme yet? In short, it’s not singing through happiness but because Bryce looks like a giant blue bell. And that warrants not a Leslie Phillips ‘ding doooong’ but a sad trombone instead.

Rashida Jones in Valentino – ‘Oh Mr Rochester, I’m sorry to awaken you from your slumber but your batshit crazy wife has just set fire to my bedroom, thus my greeting you in my nightgown.’

Elizabeth Banks in Versace – Elizabeth Banks normally belongs to my holy parallelogram of red carpet bores (alongside Kate Bosworth, Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel) but this dress is just shimmery cuteness in a peroxide blonde bottle. The mesh overlay, creating long sleeves and more restrained neckline, keeps things a little more modern and edgy on what is essentially a bog-standard school disco spangly mini (admittedly one covered in Swarovski crystals).

Rosario Dawson in Diane Von Furstenberg – If you ever wondered what Donna Summer wears to slouch around the house, here’s Rosario Dawson with what everyone hopes is the answer – a disco bathrobe. And despite the fact that it’s electric blue, glitters and seems to be two very different lengths either side, Dawson still reduces it to meh. Let’s make that a holy pentagon of boring, shall we?

Jessica Biel in Atelier Versace – Another member from the clan of yawn makes an appearance, although I actually quite like this dress. I love the intricate criss-crossing of the shoulder straps and the geometric art-deco feel of the pattern itself, but there must be some irony to the fact that an actress who personifies beige looks her best in a dress that’s various shades of the colour?

Claire Danes in Calvin Klein – These are clearly monastic robes for a community who make their own tofu, knock out the lotus position before they can crawl and hand-rear goats whose wool they can then use for scratchy knitwear. Claire would have protested against wearing it but they all take vows of silences too. So she’ll just have to put up with looking like a sanctimonious cult member instead.

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Red Carpet Rundown: 2011 Oscar Parties, Part I

Posted on March 17, 2011 | 2 comments

Yes, this is a month late but the 2011 Vanity Fair Oscar Party and Elton John’s AIDs Foundation’s Oscar Viewing Party turned out to be more interesting than the Oscars themselves. A boat-load of new celebrities crawled out the woodwork, toting gowns that were either gorgeous or grotesque – either way, it’s entertaining stuff. Be prepared to see more black lace than you’d wish for in a lifetime…

Dianna Agron in Salvatore Ferragamo – Remember me waxing lyrical about Dianna’s ‘exquisite elegant Wasp-y style’ that had a ‘modern-day Grace Kelly’ feel about it?! Well, despite writing this but one month ago, it seems that has been ample time for Dianna to prove my habit of cursing people’s red carpet styles is alive and well. Things started slowly, with some strange splotchy eye make-up at the SAGs but this gown edges things even further to the sartorial danger zone. It’s a fundamentally pretty dress in a fundamentally pretty colour but it should have been nipped in the bud at an off-the-knee length. Instead, the whole look is skewed towards the aged and droopy; factor in wilting hair plus sad eyes (it’s amazing what a tabloid break-up story can make you read into photographs) and it just looks frumpy and cheerless in a night where everyone else was reaching for their glad-rags. The Marion Cotillard poodle perm doesn’t seem that far away now…

Sofia Vergara in Zuhair Murad – At least good old Sofia is on hand to prove me right though. I earlier branded her va-va-voom style ‘vulgar’ and although I tried to steer clear of actually calling her slutty, when you wear outfits like this, surely you’re asking for it. This is underwear. It’s not even nice underwear. Avoid.

Jena Malone in Camilla + Marc – Clearly there was some sort of memo circulating suggesting that underwear was an acceptable dress code. Here is Jena Malone in her training bra and not much else. It’s just as horrible.

Madonna – It’s not just the young ‘uns turning up in their smalls though. Not to be outdone, here is Madonna in an even more horrible version of Jenna’s outfit. I guess the nasty fur gilet is what counts as Madge’s concession towards modesty these days. If you would like to see her butt cheeks (and you’re a braver soul than me), click here.

Michelle Rodriguez – More underwear, more sheer (literally, ho ho ho!) WTF-ness. A change of colour can’t salvage the fact that LOOKING AS IF YOU’VE TURNED UP IN YOUR UNDERWEAR IS WRONG.

Zooey Deschanel in Valentino – Zooey is included merely to prove to my boyfriend that his number one celebrity crush really does have crappy dress sense. I imagine he’s zooming in on the hunt for nipple on those strange plastic-looking boobs… about now. She is wearing tights as sleeves. She is also wearing four variants on black lace, in a night that has made the band who brought Agadoo to the world seem like the preferable use of the words. Seriously, what was with black lace at this party? Did you get a better goodie bag if you wore it?

Jessica Szohr – Another outfit, another misguided use of black lacy stuff… and this time it really does look like a last-minute attempt wrapped round a perfectly respectable outfit in order to get a better goodie bag. The design on this stuff looks like clothes left on a washing line, the overall effect is of a white skirt considered too dangerous to be let out in a public without a muzzle.

Paz de la Huerta – Paz forgoes the titillating black lace brigade to simply flash us her underwear straight up. Sisterhood points for the fact that they appear to be Bridget Jones big pants but even so…

Eva Mendes in Donna Karan – Either an evil black oversize butterfly or an evil black oversize bow tie wrapped itself around Eva’s torso and passed itself off as a top to some unsuspecting stylist. I’m pretty sure it also ate the bottom half of this outfit, as that netting is clearly an underskirt. Meaning it goes under something. And that something was about five sizes too big for Eva anyway.

Georgina Chapman in Marchesa – Black lacy stuff done well? WTF?! Although some may call this dress silly, I think it’s pure theatre, totally gorgeous and most importantly, doesn’t resemble underwear. [Chapman is the designer for Marchesa so the poor love probably has to pop down to Tesco in one of their massive structural ballgowns too]. It’s like the climax to an opera – overblown, dramatic, outrageous, enthralling – and even incorporates the flowers thrown on at the end (or is that just for figure skaters?). The way Georgina has picked up the pink of the roses in her earrings and lipstick is lovely too. Never has looking vaguely like a flamenco dancer’s pencil shavings looked so stunning.

Gabrielle Union in Diane Von Furgensberg – Let’s try and end this post on a classy note, shall we? (My purple obsession spreads to clothes too, you know). I just adore this deep rich aubergine jewel tone and the fluttery way the material drapes makes this pure goddess dress stuff. The darker, less revealing sister to Mila Kunis’ Oscar gown, it’s just beautiful.

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Red Carpet Rundown: Oscars 2011

Posted on March 7, 2011 | Leave a comment

The red carpet for the Oscars 2011 has to be one of the most boring in a while. When you’re being outdone for wow factor by almost every dress at the after-party, you know something has gone wrong! And whilst we all love a tasteful neutral (hi Michelle Williams, Annette Benning, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hilary Swank…), you know the look has jumped the shark when even Celine Dion, her of the back-to-front man’s suit and fedora, is working it successfully. With star wattage seeming somewhat underpowered this year, many of my frequent red carpet faves disappointed (Sandra Bullock, Anne Hathaway, Aishwarya Rai) with dresses that were nice, but not nice enough for me to waste all of about twelve words over. Here are the only outfits that stood out, starting with my three favourites (by a long LONG way):

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture – The love it or hate it dress at this year’s Oscars, except I’m yet to actually see anyone declare hate. Why? Because it’s simply too beautiful. The design on the bodice may resemble the back of a very ornate chair, or a very ornate mirror or a very ornate cameo missing the face inside, but it works. Lovely fresh sorbet spring colours, and so very very Cate. Pretty much the only interesting dress so thank God it was a good ‘un.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab – I’m thinking Mila was toying with us all the way up to awards season, lulling us into expecting she’d be dull and boring before hitting us up with a triple whammy of colourful gorgeous gowns (that or Macaulay Culkin had a black fetish and she’s breaking gloriously free of her monotone shackles). When a dress is this pretty, delicate and flirtatiously feminine, no self-respecting fashionista would put money against it being an Elie Saab. This is just such a beautiful dreamy soft shade of lilac that we don’t often see done on the red carpet, and by looking so damn good in it, Kunis has probably ensured that no-one will dare do it again.

Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott – YES! After a ropey lead-up, like the tortoise, Amy has finally triumphed just in time for the main event. Stunning sparkling midnight blue, a simple shape and a look that couldn’t flatter her more if it came with a greasy handshake and car-salesman patter. All the more surprising given it’s a L’Wren Scott, which tend to look a little dowdy for big occasions.

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchesa – You may have noticed that I’ve steered clear of mentioning Hailee in all my red carpet rundowns so far. This is because, as far as I’m concerned, if a 14 year-old is dressing as she should, then she probably won’t be exciting me too much. Bloggers have been won over by her ‘age-appropriate’ style, and whilst I’m delighted to see a famous teen who doesn’t wander about with her crotch either hanging out or with Swavorski crystal arrows pointing towards it, cute teen style stopped exciting me when I was… well, a not so cute teen. This modified Marchesa is a whole different story. It’s the ultimate princess-ballerina dress for the inner 14 year-old in all of us, right down to the could-be-overkill-but-instead-it’s-cute-and-charming bun and hair band combo. Swoonsome.

Mandy Moore in Monique Lhullier – If you’re read any of my style posts, you may have worked out by now that it takes one simple thing to make me lose all rational thought and start cooing like a teenage girl seeing Robert Pattinson for the first time. That magic ingredient is sparkle and when done right, it should look exactly like this Monique Lhullier gown – pretty, ethereal and like it was hand-crafted by fairies.

Natalie Portman in Rodarte – I’ve not really been loving Natalie’s maternity style thus far but this is easily the best she’s looked yet – and in a last-minute second choice too (thanks Galliano). Graceful flowing lines, a gorgeous rich plum shade and an overall look of radiance. She definitely picked the right time to glow!

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein – It’s simple, it’s sexy, it’s almost a Baywatch swimsuit. It’s the sort of thing Scarlett Johansson would have worn five years ago… oh hang on, she did! She does just look rather beautiful though.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabanna – Speaking of, here she is, in a dress that not many people seem to like but which I feel quite fond of. I get a slight qipao vibe from it and whilst I’m still not sure I want to see anyone’s underwear on display at the Oscars, there are just enough redeeming factors (gorgeous unusual burgundy-magenta colour, effortless up-do, fabulous matching cocktail ring, atypical outfit for her usual 50s siren style) to make me leave the doily jokes in my drawer for another time. Apols.

Halle Berry in Marchesa – I’m just happy that Berry didn’t source her outfit from a sex-shop again. Having discovered that her legs don’t drop off if she covers them, this frothy girlie confection is a style 180 from the vaguely dominatrix gear she’s been sporting of late and it almost falls through the cracks of the sparkly sea of neutrals that have plagued this awards season. Britney’s bodysuit from the Toxic video, it’s saved/slaughtered by looking like the bottom has been dragged through heavenly clouds… or cotton candy. Shame about those clunky peeptoes.

Nicole Kidman in Christian Dior – I’m fairly certain that I hate this dress. But having flicked through so many photos of utter blah, I’m actually overjoyed that Kidman has completely lost control of her sartorial compass. Someone took a napkin folding-course and was so eager to show off his handiwork that he just went to work on her waist – but hey, at least he didn’t do a swan! I don’t know what the orange shoes are about, I don’t know which 14 year-old pimply teen’s hair gel she stole to achieve those sticky fronds of hair but I do know that I’m glad someone’s still taking risks on the biggest red carpet of the year. Even the nice dresses that I’ve singled out here are fundamentally simple shapes made good by striking colours so for being so different in an expanse of yawns, I really can’t hate her.

Jennifer Hudson in Atelier Versace – Everyone else is loving this. No idea why. It’s bright orange, a shade that seems to have tackiness in-built, and that’s even before you make it out of shiny flammable-looking satin, pile on the baubles, had that napkin-folder go nuts on your arse and hoist your boobs up like a second pair of eyes. There is not a single part of this outfit I like.

Reese Witherspoon in Giorgio Armani – This is essentially Julia Roberts Oscar-win dress made boring, with plastic Barbie hair on top. Except Barbie would never be this dull.

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