Red Carpet Rundown: Met Ball 2010, Part III

So far we’ve had my favourites, my err… other favourites and Tina Fey. I guess it’s about time we gave Tina’s sacked stylist some company at the job centre.

Vera Farmiga in Sophie Theallet – Ugliest dress of the night that wasn’t actively trying to be ugly. The bottom half, which finds ever-increasing ways to zig-zag Farmiga’s body in as unflattering a way as possible, is particularly nasty. Get back to your saloon in the Wild West, Vera!

Christina Hendricks in L’Wren Scott – It wasn’t a good night for baby blue, was it? It was nice of Christina to bring her baby falcon with her for company. Of course, no one is looking at the baby falcon or the strange orange  make-up or the oddly frizzy up-do. They’re looking at her breasts. It’s for looks like this that the fact ‘breasts’ is only one letter away from ‘beasts’ seems so appropriate.

January Jones in YSL – Hendricks’ eye make-up clearly has nothing on that of her Mad Men co-star. There’s so much of it, it actually looks like a superhero mask. Aided with the concrete quiff, cat burglar gloves and garish colour contrast between shiny 80s prom dress pink and black iron balcony railings, she could definitely be a superhero of some sort. One of those self-made ones out of Kick-Ass maybe. I can only presume Jones is rebelling against being sooooo pretty as Betty by looking freakish in real-life. In which case, result!

Katy Perry in CuteCircuit – I’m loath to put a picture of Perry in because by doing so, that’s giving her the attention she wants. And attention-seeking is the only reason anyone would choose to wear this gown. It’s not a gown, it’s a party trick. It lights up! In neon colours! That’s like so cool… if you’re six years old and they’re glow-in-the-dark stickers you put on your ceiling to look like space. The light display would be by-the-by if it was actually a nice dress. But it isn’t. It’s cheap-looking, shapeless and looks like it was made from scrunched-up nappies. Thankfully unsoiled. Small mercies.

Kristen Stewart in Chanel – Unlike so many fashion critics, I have so much goodwill towards Kristen. I find her awkwardness endearing, even when it means outfits don’t look as nice as they should because she’s standing like Quasmido with the facial expression of someone about to have their photo taken… oh no, what, you took it just now?! But I wasn’t ready! But I can’t muster up much goodwill towards this dress. Remember the old saying about people so attractive that they’d look good in a bin bag? Well, here Chanel put that to the test and um… let’s put that saying to bed, shall we? But that’s not the main issue – what is going on at the bottom? It looks like it’s from a different (also not very nice) dress. The only consolation is that it looked equally horrid on the runway.

Carey Mulligan in Miu Miu – Since Mulligan is British and fairly new to the red carpet, I imagine she also had no idea what or who the Met Ball was. You thought Rachel Bilson wasn’t ‘event-appropriate’? Well, you’ll be weeping into your lace hankies at this. I actually like this dress a lot – it’s very cute, the floral embroidery is just lovely and it really works with the whole fresh-as-a-daisy charm Carey oozes – but it looks so out of place, and Carey knows it. Hands dug in pockets (they look like oven mitts), facial expression of ‘Woah… how come all these photographers are here? I thought this was just a casual little shindig?’, black opaque tights meaning (the Brit in her) that she was sure she would be spending extended periods of time outside… your stylist screwed you over, Carey. I’m sorry. I bet she knew what the Met Ball was all along, the bitch.

Diane Kruger and Zoe Saldana in Calvin Klein; Jessica Biel in Ralph Lauren – I’m not going to pretend these gowns are ugly because they’re not. However, look at what you’ve seen so far and admit, these are a little boring, aren’t they? Oh I know, fashionistas are supposed to worship the ground that Diane’s teutonic little feet walk on and yes, she does look stunning but this minimalist dress is just a little too minimalist for me. It is literally a bit of a blank. Zoe is the best of the lot – her gown fits her like a glove and it actually has some interesting texture and shimmer, plus the one-shoulder and the sparkle in her eye, saving it from being too yawnworthy. And after that shag-pile rug inspired Oscars look, I think she’s allowed a bit of a breather. I actually like Biel’s dress the most – it’s signature Ralph Lauren, fluid effortless drapey grace – but Biel herself is so boring. She can’t afford to wear a boring dress or else she drowns in a sea of vanilla.

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3 responses to “Red Carpet Rundown: Met Ball 2010, Part III

  1. I did not christina hendricks make up at all in this shoot.

  2. Didn’t love her in this outfit to be honest.

  3. Thanks for the comments! It’s a shame as Christina usually looks stunning on the red carpet – but I’m sure she’ll be back to her best in no time (sans baby falcon obv)!

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